Expectations – The Limitations of Living with Preconceived Notions
Life is an unpredictable journey filled with twists, turns, and unforeseen challenges. In our quest for happiness and success, we often create expectations – a set of predefined notions about how our lives should unfold. New Year (January) is generally the time of year when we reflect on the year just past and the year going forward, however it also seems to be the time when we can put an immense amount of pressure on ourselves under the illusion of “New Year’s Resolutions” and it’s considered ‘normal’ to participate in. While having aspirations and goals is natural, clinging too tightly to expectations can lead to a myriad of limitations. This article explores the drawbacks of placing excessive reliance on predetermined outcomes and the impact it can have on our well-being. But it’s also not all doom and gloom, I promise!
Have you ever made resolutions at the beginning of a New Year? I know I certainly have. And I’ve always been disappointed in myself by 1st February when these ‘resolutions’ have fallen by the wayside. Peter Crone says, “Resolutions are from the domain of wanting and desire” – not that these are bad things but unfortunately the energy behind a want or a desire is the very frequency of not having it NOW, so you are energetically packing the idea behind a lacking of its existence in the present, therefore creating more of the same; you will continue to experience the same outcome as the resolutions are future based and your energetic frequency in the present is that of lack of said wants and desires. It’s perfectly normal to have plans and ideas for our future, one might argue necessary to have a focus of where we’d like to be, but how do we get from where we are now to where we want to be? Firstly, it may be a better idea to establish whether our current energy is fully, unconditionally behind the want/desire, in other words, do we really believe we are worthy or adequate for the manifestation of our dreams? Or do we believe the exact opposite to be true; we are worthless and completely inadequate and don’t deserve what it is we would like to call in? What is true for you? And secondly, we could learn to loosen our grip of having such firm ideas of where we’re going to end up and what it is we will be doing in a year, or 5 year’s time, and perhaps soften into the present moment with gratitude in our hearts and trust in the unknown to take us toward our wants and desires exactly how it will; we could soften our expectations of what our lives SHOULD look like. Let’s explore some ideas together.
Where Do The ‘New Year’s Resolution’ Traditions Come From?
The tradition of making New Year's resolutions dates back thousands of years and has its roots in various cultures and belief systems. The practice is closely tied to the concept of New Year's Day as a time for reflection, renewal, and the setting of personal goals. While the specific origins are not pinpointed to a single culture or event, the tradition has evolved over time. One of the earliest recorded instances of New Year's resolutions can be traced back to ancient Babylon around 4,000 years ago. The Babylonians celebrated the New Year during the first new moon following the vernal equinox. As part of their New Year's festivities, they made promises to the gods to pay off debts and return borrowed items, aiming for a fresh start in the coming year.
The tradition of making New Year's resolutions gained popularity in the 19th and 20th centuries, becoming a widespread cultural phenomenon. As societies became more focused on personal improvement and self-help, the act of making resolutions at the start of a new year became ingrained in modern New Year's celebrations, and so the pressures began.
Having Firm Expectations & It’s Pitfalls
Firm expectations, whether we like it or not, is asking for disappointment because if it’s reliant upon any one or any thing in the outside world then that is completely independent of us as individuals and is governed by a law unto itself, not by any laws we may impose upon it. Therefore the likelihood of things outside of us going our way is very thin as we have little to no control over people, places or things. Reality is as it is, not as we say it should be. Whether those expectations lay upon us as individuals, we enter terrain quite sticky indeed as the need to explore one’s own inner landscape may come to the forefront when we are faced with a reoccurring disappointment with an unmet goal or expectation such as, losing weight for example, or taking a class; do we actually BELIEVE we are worthy enough for the things we wish to bring to fruition? Let’s take a look at some pitfalls of having firm expectations:
Setting the Stage for Disappointment:
Expectations act as a blueprint for our future, shaping our perception of what lies ahead. Unfortunately, life rarely adheres to our carefully crafted plans. When reality deviates from our expectations, it can trigger disappointment, frustration, and even feelings of failure. The greater the disparity between our expectations and reality, the more profound the sense of disillusionment.
Impeding Personal Growth:
Rigid expectations may confine us to a narrow path, discouraging exploration and experimentation. Life's most valuable lessons often emerge from unexpected experiences and challenges. By fixating on specific outcomes, we risk missing opportunities for personal growth and development that may arise from veering off the predetermined course.
Strained Relationships:
Expectations extend beyond personal aspirations and often seep into our relationships with others. Anticipating certain behaviours or outcomes from friends, family, or partners can strain relationships. Unmet expectations may lead to resentment and frustration, creating an atmosphere of tension and misunderstanding.
Undermining Mental Health:
Excessive expectations can take a toll on mental health. The pressure to meet self-imposed or societal standards can contribute to stress, anxiety, and even depression. Constantly measuring one's worth against unattainable goals can erode self-esteem and lead to a perpetual sense of inadequacy.
Robbing the Joy of the Present:
Living in the future, dictated by expectations, may overshadow the beauty of the present moment. Constantly striving for a future ideal can prevent us from appreciating the small victories, joys, and spontaneous pleasures that life offers. The pursuit of perfection can blind us to the imperfect, yet beautiful, aspects of our current reality.
Lack of Adaptability:
Life is inherently unpredictable, and circumstances change. Strict adherence to expectations can make it difficult to adapt to new situations, hindering our ability to navigate challenges effectively. Flexibility and resilience are key qualities for thriving in the face of uncertainty, and rigid expectations can impede these essential traits.
Letting Go of Expectations
Let’s lighten the mood a bit. It’s not all doom and gloom so let’s use this time of year for reflection and some light contemplation. Let’s not be under the illusion that we need to figure everything out now and the goals or actions we now take must be perfect and new and set in stone. I am, in no way, against setting goals. Over the years however I have learned to put less pressure on myself around said goals, how they will manifest and of course, to have less expectations of how and when I will achieve what I am directing my intention and attention toward.
Letting go of the expectation of a perfect life and embracing a more liberated and fulfilling existence involves a shift in mindset and lifestyle. Here are some practical strategies to help you release the pursuit of perfection and expectations and live more freely:
Cultivate Mindfulness:
Practice being present in the moment through mindfulness techniques such as meditation and deep breathing exercises. Mindfulness helps you appreciate the current experience without dwelling on past regrets or worrying about future uncertainties. By focusing on the present, you can find joy in simple pleasures and detach from the need for perfection.
Embrace Imperfection:
Understand that perfection is an unrealistic and unattainable standard. Embrace the beauty of imperfection and view mistakes as opportunities for learning and growth. Recognise that life's richness lies in its diversity and unpredictability rather than in conforming to an idealised image.
Set Realistic Goals:
Instead of setting lofty, unattainable goals, establish realistic and achievable objectives. Break down large goals into smaller, manageable steps. Celebrate progress, no matter how small, and appreciate the journey rather than fixating solely on the destination.
Focus on What You Can Control:
Acknowledge that certain aspects of life are beyond your control. Instead of dwelling on external factors, concentrate on cultivating your inner strength and resilience. Redirect your energy towards areas where you have influence and the ability to make positive changes.
Practice Self-Compassion:
Be kind to yourself when faced with challenges or setbacks. Replace self-criticism with self-compassion. Understand that everyone makes mistakes and encounters difficulties. Treat yourself with the same empathy and understanding that you would offer to a friend.
Diversify Your Experiences:
Explore new interests, activities, and hobbies. Take that class you’ve been wanting to take, do the courses, do the hike; whatever it is. Engaging in diverse experiences allows you to broaden your perspective and discover unexpected sources of joy and fulfilment. It also helps you break away from rigid expectations and encourages a more flexible and open approach to life.
Build Resilience:
Develop resilience by viewing obstacles as opportunities for growth. Resilient individuals bounce back from adversity, adapting to change and learning from their experiences. Building resilience enables you to navigate life's uncertainties with greater ease.
Connect with Others:
Cultivate meaningful connections with friends, family, and community. Social support provides a buffer against life's challenges and reinforces the understanding that you are not alone in facing difficulties. Sharing experiences and perspectives with others can offer valuable insights and enrich your own journey.
Reevaluate Values and Priorities:
Take time to reflect on your values and priorities. Clarify what truly matters to you and align your goals and actions accordingly. By focusing on what holds genuine significance, you can let go of societal or external expectations that may not resonate with your authentic self.
Seek Professional Guidance:
If the pursuit of perfection is significantly impacting your well-being, consider seeking guidance from a mental health professional. Therapy can provide valuable tools and perspectives to help you navigate challenges, manage expectations, and cultivate a more balanced and fulfilling life.
Remember that the path to living more freely and authentically is a personal journey. Be patient with yourself, embrace the process of self-discovery, and allow room for spontaneity and joy in your life.
While setting goals and having aspirations is crucial for personal development, it is equally important to acknowledge the limitations of excessive expectations. Embracing life's uncertainties, remaining adaptable, and cultivating a mindset that appreciates the journey rather than fixating on a predetermined destination can lead to a more fulfilling and balanced existence. Breaking free from the shackles of unrealistic expectations allows us to savour the richness of life, finding contentment in the unexpected and appreciating the beauty of the unknown. Start now, where you are, with as much compassion for yourself as possible; that’s all you need to do. Less expecting, more accepting.
“Expectation is the root of all heartache”
William Shakespeare
“The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails”
William Arthur Ward
